Loneliness

 Loneliness..........

Jab aap ke paas ek bhi vyakti na ho jisse aap apni baat samjha paye toh usse kya kahenge???

Jab sabke saath hone par bhi aapke saath koi na ho usse kya kahenge???

I can't share my feelings with anyone, I don't have anyone.

Inferiority complex

Inferiority complex is as complex as it can be. Once you have it you start seeing world through its lens. You start feeling as if everyone is judging you. It stems from insecurities. I am a victim of it myself, and I have no clue if I'll ever be going to come out of it. I never been a social butterfly neither I ever given a damn about duniyadari. So I'm literally illiterate about society's norms. Now after getting married this somewhat resulted in inferiority complex as I was not as equipped with chat log kahenge toh ye karo woh Karo. People started judging me. My simplicity meant being "dehati" to them. Now the situation is soo bad that I don't even want to buy anything because I'll get judged by people. And even when I buy something I don't feel like showing to my in laws. Because I know whatever and however it will be. It will always fall short in their eyes. According to them I'll always be a dehati with no sense of style and taste. It hurts deeply. I feel worthless and judged all time. I think I'll never come out of it. It's seeping deep inside me now.

IDK

 IDK what to write ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

Honestly started this blog solely to outpour my emotions. To say I'm a little lost will be understatement. There's a whole Tsunami raging inside me. I'm frustrated, disappointed, and irate with myself. I never got what I ever desired. Maybe I never tried hard enough. Maybe I'm too complacent to ever strive hard for anything. I just don't know how to handle my emotions. How to express them. I just feel like crying all day long. Nothing gives me pleasure. Always feel down and agitated. There are so much going on my mind that even I can't comprehend it. IDK I'm just fucking idot with no skill and anything. 

I miss you Di and I miss you papa and I'm sorry for everything I did to you. I have been a bad sister and a bad daughter. Never been able to make you proud. I'm useless piece of shit who just wasted all the resources given to her. What the hell I'm doing with my life. I have done PhD in disappointing everyone related to me. 

Really missing you both. Aa jao na please, please wapas aa jao.